stupidbutgood | (no subject)

I know that.
He just stalked me without you around.

I think maybe you keep him out of trouble too.

you're so right

i am a mitigating influence
a calming presence, if you will

[ Given the pictures he's gotten where it's clear Cougar and Jensen are just hanging out? Jensen might actually be right. ]

You know, you might be onto something.
It sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

[ They just hang out all the time. Cougar's on duty for dinner tonight which means Jensen's going to migrate into the kitchen with his laptop to hang out at the table while Cougar cooks, even though it would probably be easier for him to do his stuff at his desk where all the rest of his gear is. ]

thank you!!

i knew you were on my side pete

On some things!
Don't assume everything.

[ It's so domestic Peter could die.

But he doesn't know that so he's mostly just thinking about when he'll go out. ]

nah you're my ride or die now

[ Knowing Jensen, he'll send Peter more photos now that that seal has been broken and he'll get to see just how domestic they really are. ]

[ He's too invested in these two. Probably because his own social life is... better left unmentioned. ]

I'm screenshotting this and sending it to Cougar.
So he knows he's been replaced.

wow!!! betrayed immediately!!!!

i see how it is

Am I not supposed to brag about this victory?
I have done what I set out to do.
Steal your friendship for myself!

Cougar was right to suspect me.
I've been a villain this whole time!

he's going to put a hit out on you just wait

[ Another photo, again of Cougar not looking at the camera, this time of him lying on the couch he'd previously been sitting on, ankles crossed with his phone on his chest and a paperback in one hand, his other hand extended towards the camera with two fingers pointing out and his thumb cocked, obviously miming shooting a gun.

His gun, now reassembled, is propped up against the side of the couch within easy reach. ]

you're a goner petey i'm so sorry

Why would he put a hit out on me?
Clearly he's just going to do it himself.

[ Cougar really gives Kraven vibes sometimes. It's uncanny. ]

I knew the risks when I started this.
I'm not afraid.

he likes to be thorough

[ Jensen would put his money on Cougar over Kraven any day. ]

that really warms the cockles of my heart dude

How much is the contract?
I'll off myself if the money will go to my aunt.

[ Hopefully Jensen's the right guy for that kind of dark humor. ]

Ha.
You said cockles.

hey if you need someone to help you write your will i'm really good at it
and i'll gently suggest to cougar that he up that he up the cost
gotta make sure she's set for life

[ Dark humor is right up Jake's alley. And, also, it just so happens that Peter's joke lands precisely on a thought Jake's already had: obviously when he kicks the bucket everything he owns will go to Julie and Beth, and then some. He gets it. ]

you get your mind out of the gutter peter parker

It's a very short will.
Everything goes to May Parker.
Done.

[ Oh good. Peter tries not to get too dark with it but sometimes... ]

Ha.
You said gutter.

excellent you got that notarized?

[ Jensen's in the army. The only humor there is dark humor.

And extremely juvenile humor.

Juvenile dark humor. ]

i'll show you gutter!

I can write it on a notepad.
No, I actually have a will already.
Did it after my uncle died.

[ He actually did it after his girlfriend died but he doesn't want to talk about that. ]

Gutter?
But I hardly know her!

[ These two deserve each other. ]

smart
better to be prepared than not

[ Jensen's had his will set since he enlisted. Cougar's had his since SERE training. They both know they're not making it out of this alive. ]

i can't believe you're older than me

[ They really do. ]

Kinda put a few things in perspective, you know?
So, made sure I was ready just in case.

[ Peter is pretty sure being Spider-Man will kill him. It's just a matter of when. ]

Is Cougar older than you?
He has like... wise old man of the desert vibes.

yeah i get it
it's grim but
it's important

[ And he has the gall to tell Jensen he should retire! They're as bad as each other. ]

cougs is ancient
almost as ancient as our co

[ Cougar is thirty. ]

also i'm telling him you said that

It is.

[ He's superhuman! He's fine! ]

Also sending him that screenshot.

stop poisoning him against me!

[ Peter's phone pings with a message from Cougar which is just the number "30" and the water gun emoji. ]

I'm speaking the truth!

Is anyone not your age ancient to you?

my metric is can you get up off the floor without all your joints cracking

if the answer is no then yes, you're ancient

I bet something of yours cracks.
You live just as hard a life Cougar.